Our Great Counselor

A Shared Vision of Restoration

This is my account of a very clear vision that I believe God gave me while praying for His comfort and direction in the midst of our current marital crisis. Our marriage and our family are on the verge of being destroyed after years of pride, stress, self reliance, neglect, indifference, and my failure to cultivate the qualities of Christlike servanthood necessary to nurture Godly character in my life. There is an abundance of emotions on both sides – hurt, fear, anger, and uncertainty – that the Enemy is desperately using as weapons against us in his effort to destroy us individually, our marriage, and our children. I have been seeking counsel from trusted friends and those I believe can offer Godly wisdom and encouragement as I struggle to navigate the confusion and turmoil of all that we are facing.

Some of the most beneficial advice has come out of the dozens of hours spent talking through my thoughts and emotions with our Christian marriage counselor. Having been our counselor since 2018, she knows our history and the prevalent issues that have persisted throughout our marriage. It is no surprise that the vision God gave me takes place in the setting of a counselor’s office. The vision itself was fairly short and concise. Consistent with the way God often speaks Truth to my heart, simplicity can have a tremendous impact. He doesn’t require much time to deliver a profound word of correction or encouragement. Such was the case with this short vision. Although it may take a long time for me to absorb and internalize the impact of what I was shown, the Truth of what is revealed is realized almost instantaneously. I mostly remember what I felt in my heart as a result of the vision rather than what I saw in my mind’s eye.   

I chose to write out the details of what God showed me in this vision for two reasons. The first of which is simply to enable me to share it with others who may join me in my prayers for our healing and restoration. The second reason is to have an account that I can look back on lest I forget the Promise that I hold in my heart. I believe God has shown me His plan for our family through this trial and wants me to exercise my faith as I rely on Him to “work all things together for good” even when I don’t see it in my present circumstances and have every reason to doubt that it is possible. 

The details of how we found ourselves in this situation are outlined more completely in a separate writing that I’ve entitled “Chronicle of My Heart”.   

This is my vision:

It was another counseling session like most others except that our normal counselor, Suzanne, was absent. There was another in her place. He is familiar to us, though not from this particular setting. The room is neat and orderly, as would be expected in a counselor’s office. Three chairs face toward each other on three sides of a medium sized square coffee table.. The fourth side of the table is open toward the door that serves as the office’s only entrance. The colors and fabrics in the room are neutral, the carpet is a bland berber, and the art on the walls is nondescript. The office isn’t particularly memorable though it is calm and pleasant.

My heart is at rest in a way that I have not felt for quite a long time. Anxiety is absent. There isn’t a trace of fear or trepidation. I feel so at ease as a complete peace permeates inexplicably throughout my heart and my thoughts are clear and pure. I have a sense that I could say anything at all without being judged or doubted. I feel seen in a profound way, yet unashamed. Then, in a moment, I realize that this sense of tranquility is not at all a consequence of our surroundings, but is due to the very presence of our Counselor.  

I am seated in the chair closest to the office door. My wife, Rachel, is seated directly across from me. She is silent, reserved, and uncharacteristically stoic. She doesn’t say a word to me and though she is seated directly across the table from me, she doesn’t offer so much as a glance in my direction. I know that she needs time and space to heal from the pain and fear that I’ve caused her. I realize that I am probably the last person from whom she would want to hear. The hope of my heart is that when given enough time, she will heal from the emotional trauma and forgive me for all the ways that I have failed her. I feel deeply hurt by her, too, but I must acknowledge that her hurtful decisions and recent actions toward me are her way of protecting herself. I look toward her, but I do not speak to her. I notice her hair and her beautiful face as I am reminded of the night we first met twenty years ago. That night God introduced me to the girl who would become my wife and the mother of our children. Rachel is God’s answer to my prayers all those years ago and now I am praying once again more fervently than ever that our union would be preserved and our love would be restored.

She and I have been emotionally distant towards each other for years and now have been physically separated for several months. Things had become so unbearable between us that there didn’t seem to be any way to salvage the tattered remnant of our marriage. At this point we haven’t spoken a word to each other since a petition for Dissolution of Marriage was filed and we now find ourselves in the very situation that we swore we would never allow – Divorce.

Sitting in the chair between us is our Counselor, our Creator, our Father. The very One before whom we made our covenant vow of marriage more than 18 years ago. He is our ever present help in time of need. So here we are together in the same room, but not speaking. But we are here with our Counselor, and for that I am thankful. There aren’t any words that I could speak that would get through to my wife in her state of emotional anguish. My only hope is that she would listen and yield to the lover of her soul and that His words would penetrate her heart in a way that mine never could.

Our “session” begins and our Father turns towards me first. I know with certainty that He is keenly aware of every circumstance surrounding each of our lives and that He knows every action, inaction, thought, word, attitude, and motive that has resulted in our current state of pain and confusion. He is turned and facing me squarely as He says directly to me: “Brian, my son…..” (He pauses to allow ample time for me to show that He has my undivided attention, and He does) “…given your state of brokenness, the current condition of your marriage and all that has transpired to separate you from your wife Rachel, I have one question for you…..”

It occurs to my mind that wisdom isn’t always found in having an abundance of answers, but can be gained by asking the right questions. This is an example of profound wisdom being presented in the form of a question. I am curious what His one question could be. 

He continues, “In the deepest part of your heart, what is the one thing that you desire most to see as a result of all you’ve experienced and learned through these past years?” I know the answer to this question. I have spent the last few weeks wrestling with this exact question. I have continually asked God to reveal the reason for the heartbreak that I’ve felt as my family was taken from me. He answered me as only He could. He showed me the wretched condition of my heart and that I required a major disruption in my patterns of selfish ambition and blatant dismissal of God’s guidance in my life. It was as if He was now affording me the opportunity to verbalize all that He had been showing me and teaching me in a succinct response to His simple question.

I responded with the utmost honesty, “God, I want you to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Restore unto me the joy of my salvation as I desire to be transformed by the renewing of my mind into a Christ-like servant willing to die to myself in sacrificial service to You, my wife, my family, and the world around me. I want to become the Godly leader that you designed me to be as our marriage and family are restored so that we can experience life and love more abundantly than we have ever imagined. All for Your glory!”      

At the conclusion of my response, He offers no overt expression in response other than an approving countenance. After all, it wasn’t presented as a question with a right or wrong answer. It was simply an opportunity to express the condition and desire of my heart, which I did as honestly as I knew how. 

He then turns toward Rachel and asks her in a calm and disarming tone, “Rachel, my daughter, if you could have any outcome that your heart can imagine for your family, what do you hope to see accomplished through the circumstances in which you currently find yourselves?

For the first time in this session, I experienced what could only be described as anxiety. Having been completely honest and hopeful with my response to the question I was asked, I felt vulnerable. I had no idea what her answer would be. The anxiety I felt came from uncertainty and my fear that her true desire may be contrary to what I thought was our utmost commitment to our marriage and family. I had resolved in my heart to stand for our marriage even to the point of dying to myself and my ego. I have realized that nothing is worth more than the preservation and rebuilding of my family. My own selfish ambition had blinded me to this fact and I have resolved to make every concerted effort to prevent that utterly prideful condition from ever taking root in my heart again. 

Even though I know that God has shown me that my role and responsibility as a husband and father is to persevere through this trial and prove my commitment to stand for my wife and family by continually and consistently serving them even during separation, I shuddered at the thought that, rather than choose to preserve our marriage, she may still choose to preserve our separation indefinitely, even to the point of divorce. 

I don’t see divorce as a solution to the issues we face, though I realized that it seems to be the only tenable option that Rachel can see after being on the receiving end of my recent stone-walling and painful dismissal of her feelings. God is showing me that this is a critical part of faith. I need to learn to trust Him when the outcome is uncertain and circumstances are outside of my control or comprehension. This is how we walk out our faith in Him as children of God – a lesson that I have largely avoided until now.

My heart oscillates between the hope for reconciliation to which I cling and the palpable fear that Rachel will refuse to allow restoration and healing to take place as part of our life’s story. I am conflicted as my heart and my mind are caught between these two opposing notions. Nevertheless, God has called me to hold on to hope as I walk in faith. In this way, particularly in my marriage, faith is not only the opposite of but also the antidote for fear. Keeping faith and holding onto hope in this way during these circumstances is no small task, but one to which to which I am committed indefinitely with His strength and by His Spirit. With all this in mind, I listen as Rachel prepares to offer an answer to the question our Counselor has presented. I am truly shocked at what I heard her say.

In her heartfelt response she makes no mention of divorce or separation. Rather than delve into the details of our current circumstances, she focuses on the true hidden intent of her actions and reveals the outcome that she desires. She explains to her Father that her heart hopes for a Godly family with a Godly man as leader who is able and willing to place Christ at the head. She longs to see a brokenness in me that assures her that her best interests and the interests of our family are prioritized over the selfish ambition that has characterized my life for far too long. Her heart’s desire is nothing more and nothing less than what is right for a wife and mother to desire. As I hear her earnest request to be led in humility and reliance on God, I recognize the many ways that I have failed to provide that kind of leadership for my family. Before our God, our Counselor, I am simultaneously convicted and encouraged. These are some of the specific areas in my life, among others, that God has been bringing to my attention and has used to bring me to that place of brokenness, contrition, and reliance on Him.    

I am reminded of a prayer that she communicated to me via text not long before taking decisive actions against me that ultimately removed me from our home and created the circumstances that we now must overcome. I choose to believe that her prayer was heartfelt at the time she texted to me. I must have pushed her beyond the point of frustration to a place of heartbreak and hopelessness when I chose not to respond. Since our face to face communication had all but ceased, she prayed for us by sending me this text message: 

“I hope things improve between us, always my hope, but I pray your approach to life and your family shifts. I pray: Humility. Kindness. Gentleness. Leaning on Christ for your strength and direction. Integrity. Wisdom. JOY. Patient & Godly leadership for your home. To take my hand, first and foremost, to connect on all things, connect emotionally, connect over our home and children, and ultimately that leads to the connection you desire. Can’t do it backwards.”

The words she spoke to God in response to the question of her heart’s desired outcome was essentially an echo of the prayer she had sent to me several months ago.  I was willfully ignorant of my spiritual deficits and had chosen to alienate my wife and disregard her valid emotions rather than face the consequences of my continual refusal to yield to God’s guidance. The unbearable stress and anxiety that I was feeling over the past several years should have served as the impetus for systemic change in my life and in my heart but I chose to continually serve myself rather than die to myself. 

After I had refused to respond to her attempts to connect with me, she felt that her options had been exhausted and that she had to create a crisis in order to get my attention. I don’t believe she would have chosen any of these actions if given even a single viable alternative. Nevertheless, she has decided to force us into a difficult position with physical separation, allow no contact, and filing for divorce. 

While I recognize the stark contrast between the spirit of her prayer and the reality of her actions, I choose to believe that her heart’s desire is pure and even commendable. I wish that I had responded to her differently when I had the chance. I should have been more keenly aware of how my spiritual condition was weighing on her and my family but I chose, instead, to perpetuate my isolation and blindness.  

After we both had verbalized our responses to the questions posed by our Counselor, I was amazed at the similarities of our answers. We essentially desired the same exact things – honest communication, true connection, mutual trust and respect, and all the things that are evident in a Godly marriage. Marriage was created by God for the refinement and betterment of each spouse. I realize my great need to learn how to lead my family not only by example, but in sacrificial service to them even when it means dying to myself. I have failed in many ways, but trust that God, in His wisdom and by His grace, desires to see our family restored completely for His glory. 

Our Counselor concluded our brief session by commenting that my heart and Rachel’s were still bound by the common desire for true oneness as was the case when we first exchanged marriage vows. “That is marriage”, He said. “You have each expressed your heart’s desire to be one in all things, unified in Christ, and to walk in humility before me as I lead you, guide you, and bless you. You should each know that I share that very same desire for you both individually and for your marriage.”