Chronicle of My Heart

Revelation In Desperation

The following is a distillation of many weeks and months spent in fervent prayer as I have been walking through a tremendously difficult emotional and spiritual journey. The severity and impact of this current season is unparalleled by any other I’ve faced. The fact that the precipitating factors have been brought about by my own pride and selfishness is sobering but does not lessen the weight of my anguish over my present situation. I have never gone through pain as acute and intense as what I am walking through right now, yet I know that God is allowing these circumstances to command and direct my attention to the condition of my heart, a condition that had become too critical to ignore. When I was unavoidably confronted by the gravity of my past failures, I was afraid that I would be utterly destroyed. I quickly turned to God in desperation and contrition. He helped me see that He did not desire, nor would He allow, my destruction. Rather, He desires that I be broken in order to be re-made again. This is part of the molding into His image that He has intended all along. He desires to heal me of past trauma and current conditions that have hindered my walk and my development as a mature Christian man. My ability to be a an emotionally available and secure husband to Rachel and a respectable, Godly father to my children depends on my ability and willingness to be continually molded by Him, even if that transformation requires being broken. I am walking in His forgiveness and in the hope for the continual restoration of my heart, soul, mind, and my family.

From my current vantage point, having been separated from my wife and family for an agonizing stretch of time, God is showing me many things in varying degrees of clarity. These revelations are unfolding over the days, weeks, and months as I read His Word, talk with counselors and friends, and spend time reflecting on the events and decisions that have unfolded in my life over the past decade or more. My recounting of the events and the emotions that I felt inside during the past several years is in no way an effort to shift blame or minimize my responsibility for my actions and inactions. I am merely attempting to offer some explanation, not excuses. As I listen to His leading and strive to follow His guidance, I know that He is calling me to walk in humility, openness, and brokenness. It is His impression on my heart to be open in a way that I have rarely been with anyone for a long, long time that prompts me to make my experiences known to any and all who care to read on. No one is obligated to hear my story thus far, but for those who care to know, I ask for continued prayer, encouragement, Biblical counsel, and spiritual wisdom for myself, my wife, and my family.

The first thing He revealed to me and continues to help me understand is an accurate picture of the man I had become. I had become consistently dismissive, alienating, and destructive toward just about everyone around me including the very people that I love most, my family. The second area that He has illuminated is the specific sequence of conscious and subconscious decisions that led me to that state of being. God is showing me the myriad of ways I had fallen into the traps of the Enemy and how I had taken many small steps over the years that were leading me down a path of destruction and death. Thirdly, He has given me hope for my future that I am clinging to. This is particularly significant because I have had a sense of hopelessness for years that recently has become so prevalent that I could barely function effectively in my daily life. 

I am encouraged by examples of men in the Bible and in everyday life who have overcome seasons of spiritual crises and learned to lean on God for the strength needed to overcome their weaknesses. A man can be healed and be used by God in dynamic ways. Many powerful testimonies include immense failures, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration for God’s glory. King David, Jonah, and Paul come to mind. I am hopeful that He has a future for me and for my family. Only He can redeem me and restore that which the Enemy seeks to destroy.  

I Had Become a Shadow of Myself

Self reflection is extremely difficult when that reflection is less than stellar. Even more so when that reflection is downright despicable. I had become a man that I myself loathed. I was a shadow of myself. I had walked so far from the vision and calling that had once characterized my life that I almost didn’t recognize myself. I had even expressed to my wife, Rachel, that I had come to a point that I didn’t feel any measurable amount of joy, and that I barely rejoiced at the immense blessings in my life. My condition had become utterly unbearable and I slipped into what I can only describe as a self induced emotional coma. My condition of despair, depression, and detachment had not been thrust on me all at once but was the result of many years of gradual yet continual turning away from that which is right and righteous and reaching for things that were unhealthy and ultimately destructive. The things that I held onto were destroying me as a man, causing me to become detrimental to myself and those around me, most notably and regrettably, my family. Still, I was so blinded by my prideful ambition and consumed by the stress and anxiety that came with it that I didn’t see how I was losing the very things that are most important to me. 

There are many instances that God brings to remembrance when I was given a choice to show love and sacrifice for my wife and children that I simply dismissed or ignored as a result of my emotional and spiritual immaturity, laziness, and/or my fear of being vulnerable. I was blind to these chances when they presented themselves and only now, with the advantage of hindsight, can I see just how much my pride and selfishness has cost me and those closest to me. I have been encouraged to document those lost opportunities as I remember them. I hope that the exercise of writing these down will help me be more aware of these opportunities in the future if I am able to regain the trust that I’ve broken and I am given the privilege of leading my family once again. You don’t know what you’ve got………’til it’s gone.

 Luke 16:13-15

13No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.” 14Now the Pharisees, who were lovers of money, were listening to all these things and were scoffing at Him. 15 And He said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God.

I had been attempting to serve two masters. God and wealth. I never saw it as clearly as I do now but it is undeniable that this verse in Luke addresses my exact contemptible condition. I had become a lover of money and the false security that I derived from its accumulation. I was also using wealth to justify myself in the sight of others. That success which I presented to those around me in order to gain favor and esteem was actually extremely dishonoring and detestable to God. According to Thomas Aquinas’ analysis, there are four altars of false worship. These are the four great substitutes for God that we are all tempted by: Wealth, Pleasure, Power, and Honor. Pride is the original sin and is the root cause of each of these sins. Once pride had taken hold of my heart, it paved the road for each of these substitutes for God in my life. I had allowed each of these substitutes to diminish my love for and obedience to God and each of them eventually became idols. The one that held the greatest power over my heart (in addition to Pride) was Wealth.   

We all have a persona, a facade, that we uphold for the outside world to view as we stay hidden behind that wall of perception. That wall serves as a form of protection. That is healthy to a degree because not everyone we know or associate with should be granted access to our inner circle, much less into our personal life and the realm of our mind, heart, and soul. That inward emotional space is reserved for our closest loved ones, our family, and most intimately, our spouse. 

I had developed quite an elaborate and impenetrable facade. Fueled by my pride, I constructed this facade out of the possessions I had acquired through financial success. Having amassed a collection of enviable things such as a real estate portfolio, a collection of vehicles, boats, luxury watches, etc. I quickly developed a taste for refined living and justified my spending by telling myself that I could afford it. I technically could afford a luxurious lifestyle but failed to realize that early profits should have been reinvested into income producing assets, not luxurious items that fueled my grandiosity. I failed to do that because I assumed the financial blessings would continue to pour in. That blatant reliance on myself and my ability to perpetuate an income proved to be reckless and spiritually immature.

I recognized that most of the people around me equated these tangible blessings to me having been undeniably blessed by God. After all, God blesses the deserving, right? That is not a fault of theirs because God can and sometimes does bless us with material wealth to be stewarded for His glory. That was an assumption people naturally made about me that I allowed to persist knowing all the while that it was not particularly true in my case. I felt that I had definitely earned my success through effort and intelligence but that is very different than deserving it. I did not feel that I was deserving of these immense blessings. Still, I allowed all those around me to assume that I was, in fact, deserving of God’s blessings and favor. This was an act of deception early on that I considered innocuous at the time though it would eventually contribute to a tremendous sense of guilt as the blessings grew. As my portfolio of financial accomplishments grew, so did my guilt, shame, and fear.   

Another error in my spiritual judgment was that I did not steward my wealth for God’s glory. Instead I used each newly acquired asset as yet another building block in my facade as I was attempting to fortify the wall that kept me from any scrutiny or inquisition of my actual spiritual character and walk with the God from whom all these blessings originated. In reality, I felt undeserving and unqualified to receive such immense blessings. I didn’t come from a wealthy family nor did I have any wealthy friends or mentors. I stumbled my way through the acquisitions and contracts barely navigating the complicated landscape of high finance. I adopted the “fake it until you make it” strategy – an irresponsible and dangerous mindset when dealing with multiple lifetime’s worth of money. I felt ashamed to be named the steward of these immense resources when so many others were more deserving and would have been better candidates. I dared not let anyone know of my growing inner turmoil.    

Despite my inner feelings of inadequacy, or maybe because of them, I maintained this wall of possessions and wealth and kept my true self hidden from the rest of the world. We are told in God’s Word that wealth can be used for good but that it will ultimately be burned away along with the rest of our earthly possessions. But for the time being I was able to display my “net worth” for all to see and I derived my own self worth from that perception. My wife was keenly aware that things were not quite right and that our marriage and family life were lacking true emotional and spiritual depth. I was deaf to her insights and chose to continually focus on outward appearances, ignoring the fact that God Himself was speaking to my heart, calling me to seek first His Kingdom. I foolishly ignored God’s prompting and continued building my own kingdom, my “empire”. 

Self Delusion

1 John 5:1-10

5 This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; 7 but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

I lost sight of reality and of the things that are truly important in a man’s life. My own self worth was becoming more and more dependent on a mere illusion. I had become self focussed, self serving, and self deluded. I successfully kept everyone around me at arms length and was successful at preventing any uncomfortable probing of my inner spiritual condition. Among those that I kept on the outside of my wall of perception, my facade, were friends, colleagues, co-workers, my family, and even my wife, Rachel. I only allowed myself to be seen through the lens of that perception and was becoming increasingly occupied with maintaining that frail illusion. 

As I became more and more reliant on my facade, I also expected Rachel to derive her sense of security from the life that I had created. I required her to be confident in my illusion. The problem was that she could see right through my illusion when I could not. She knew intrinsically that I was not leading her, protecting her, or serving her. Her requests for connection were met with resistance and indifference. I was behaving irresponsibly and not exemplifying any of the traits of a Godly leader to my wife or my children. I failed to provide the very things that a wife needs to feel adequately loved and cherished. Although I do truly love my wife, I was allowing myself to be overcome by my own self-delusion. That self-delusion gradually caused me to retreat from the responsibilities of life, marriage, and my family. I leaned too heavily on my own accomplishments, and continually justified my own emotional isolation.  

How Did I Get Here?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

9 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. 11 Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. 

Two ARE better than one, which is precisely why God gives us a spouse with whom to share the blessings and burdens of life. To my extreme impairment, I had excluded Rachel from the business and financial decisions early on. Foolishly, I wanted to show that because I had made the money, I could also manage it. In an effort to prove my own ability and fiscal prowess, I missed out on my wife’s unique perspective and wisdom. I failed to avail myself of God’s hand picked advisor. By excluding her from the day to day operations and decision making, I found myself utterly alone when faced with challenges. When I inevitably made mistakes in discernment and fell into various financial troubles, I didn’t have her to lift me up. I had already alienated her by my prideful, dismissive attitude.       

I thought that I could maintain this condition alone indefinitely (again, self deluded) and attempted to do just that. I enjoyed a perceived position of prosperity and abundance but was neglecting the very calling on my life. I wasn’t pouring myself into my family. I wasn’t serving anyone or anything but myself. I wasn’t walking in God’s will for my life. I was walking out my plan for my life. While enjoying the “freedoms” of financial independence, I was abdicating my fundamental responsibilities. My family was provided for financially and I thought that was enough. But that is not where the responsibilities of a husband and father end. I was too ignorant and blind to see it then and couldn’t separate myself far enough away from the identity I had created to see the pain that my emotional unavailability and irresponsibility was causing my wife and family. 

I had also distanced myself from God, again, in an effort to avoid change and discomfort. In doing so, I also prevented any type of spiritual growth. I was stagnant in my walk and in my faith. I left myself wide open to the attacks of the Enemy of my soul. By failing to be committed and diligent in my covenant with God I became cold, distant, and isolated. I also left my wife and family vulnerable to the attacks of the Enemy by not actively tending to the marriage covenant I have made to Rachel. When she needed me, I was emotionally unavailable.

In Ecclesiastes 4:12 we are told that a cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. I think this illustration is rightly applied to marriage as the husband, wife, and the Lord constitute the three strands. This is a very practical picture of how a marriage should be structured in order to withstand the spiritual and emotional storms of life that inevitably come. I failed to abide under the Lord’s leadership and protection. I also took my wife for granted instead of recognizing her as the helpmate that God had given me.  

I am realizing that in my life a different type of three stranded cord had been formed and has been used to my detriment. Instead of the cord described in Ecclesiastes, I had become bound by a cord of three strands that ultimately bound my heart and rendered my life ineffective. I allowed three distinct strands to be woven together that were not easily broken.

I would name the first of these strands ISOLATION. I recognize that I began to exclude the Lord from my daily decision making many years ago when dependance on my own success began to replace my reliance on God. This could essentially be characterized as backsliding except that it wasn’t any particular action or behavior that I was committing, rather a general disregard for the authority God had in my life.

The second strand is a direct result of the first. Having been separated from God by my own lack of spiritual discipline I found myself susceptible to being consumed by my PRIDE. Having achieved a considerable measure of financial success, I wore the unearned badge of “self made man” and adopted the mindset and eventually the heart condition of being self reliant. This was a great misstep in that it set me on a path that would lead to great despair, depression, and defeat.  My PRIDE and self reliance put me in charge of all the aspects of my life both good and bad. Of course, I made the choice to be self reliant in a season of blessing because I didn’t realize that trials were inevitable and waited just around the corner. 

The third strand that bound me and solidified the Enemy’s hold on my life was ALCOHOL. My heart had become so weighed down by the worries of life that I turned to ALCOHOL as my relief from the stress and torment that came from the pursuit of a life that I thought I deserved. Self soothing became the only means of numbing my overwhelming anxiety. Drunkenness ultimately perpetuated my chronic ignorance and indifference to the things in my life that I should have treasured. As I walked alone down this path of self reliance I reached for ALCOHOL in a continual effort to avoid responsibility and mask the pain that I felt in my weary heart. It was this dark Spirit that took the place of the Holy Spirit in my life.     

Isaiah 5:21-24

21 Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight! 22 Woe to those who are heroes in drinking wine, and valiant men in mixing intoxicating drink, 23 Who declare the wicked innocent for a bribe, and take away the rights of the ones who are in the right! 24 Therefore, as a tongue of fire consumes stubble, and dry grass collapses in the flame, So their root will become like rot, and their blossom blow away like dust; for they have rejected the Law of the Lord of armies, and discarded the word of the Holy One of Israel.

Luke 21:34

34 “But be on your guard, so that your hearts will not be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of life, and that  this day will not come on you suddenly, like a trap;

We are not created to bear all this weight alone. If we tell God that we can and will take charge of our life, He will let us, even while knowing that it will crush us. He will not force His will upon us. We eventually learn that His word is true and the reality of our frailty and inadequacy will be made very evident. I am only realizing this fundamental truth now and I am amazed at how utterly destructive I had become. Thankfully, He is faithful though I have been faithless and His plans truly are to prosper me even if it means walking through the desert of my own self reliance before truly seeing the Promised Land.          

The Illusion Drowns

As I continually strived in my own strength to maintain and uphold my facade, I was beginning to buckle emotionally under the stress. I was constantly worried and anxious about my ability to stand indefinitely. I felt like I was standing in the ocean fray trying to balance a boulder on my head. The soft sand beneath the murky saltwater was my only footing and offered little stability as it filtered through my toes. I was filled with fear at every ebb and flow of the tide that challenged my ability to keep my balance. Then came the wave that would overcome me and ultimately send my facade cascading down, sinking to the sea bottom. 

As a result of a catastrophic event called Covid, I found myself underwater, disoriented, flailing vigorously but not having any sense of direction. My facade had been shattered and I was left in a state of sheer panic, though I dared not let anyone know. After all, my facade was not just the illusion that I had portrayed to those around me, it was what I had conflated with my actual self worth. 

Having my self worth crushed and the illusion I had constructed destroyed before my very eyes was extremely traumatic. Yet, I still didn’t let it serve as the wake up call that it should have been. Instead, I resolved to reconstruct this illusion out of the rubble that remained for fear of it being found out that I was truly undeserving of the blessings and that I most likely deserved this level of calamity. The guilt and shame were unbearable. Rather than becoming accountable for my prideful behavior, I doubled down. This decision proved to be emotionally and spiritually devastating.

In early 2020, Covid caused an unforeseen global upheaval that affected virtually every person, family, and business. My business that had been the source of my financial success and the conduit through which God had been pouring tremendous resources was no exception. My business was literally halted overnight. Customer orders that had been forecasted for 2020 would have amounted to more profit than I had seen in the previous 3 years combined. These orders were all canceled. My hopes for yet another lucrative year were dashed and I was financially and emotionally devastated. My hope was definitely not in God, but rather in the false security of wealth both acquired and expected, which had proven to be uncertain. 

Loss of the business and all the profits I had expected thrust me into a very dark, desperate place. After all, it wasn’t just a financial setback, it was the equivalent of the death of my ego and the culmination of all the failures and inadequacies I had been trying so desperately to mask. All at once I was filled with fear, uncertainty, confusion, anxiety, and depression. I awoke in the mornings to panic attacks and tried to stay in bed whenever possible to avoid facing the days. I experienced all the signs and symptoms of a nervous breakdown, though I would never have admitted it. Weakness and vulnerability were among the very things that I strived so vehemently to conceal. 

I was diagnosed with chronic depression by one of our marriage counselors who recommended that I take medication. Of course I did not admit that I had a problem with depression either and consequently ignored her suggestion, opting, rather, to bear my burdens alone. I never sought a prescription for antidepressants but I did however find a form of medication. It is commonly referred to as “self medication”. For me it was the use of ALCOHOL. 

A beer or two with the guys at the end of the work day was an acceptable way to relax. It eventually became something that I looked forward to. Then a couple beers with the guys became the precursor to another couple of drinks at home. Eventually it became a habit to go to the cellar and open a bottle of expensive wine (or inexpensive) after everyone was in bed. This would allow me to wind down my inner torrent of anxiety and negative emotions and relax enough to finally get to sleep. I would eventually fall asleep, though, any scientist will tell you that this is just about the worst type of sleep you can get if it even qualifies as sleep at all. I wasn’t a classic alcoholic, but I did have an unhealthy relationship with ALCOHOL. While there wasn’t a chemical dependency there was a definite emotional dependency. It was my coping mechanism.

This destructive behavior continued and became increasingly unmanageable. Financial relief never really came except by selling off unnecessary assets in an effort to keep bills paid and creditors at bay. I would be forced to sell a car, a boat, a bulldozer, or a piece of property just to make sure appearances of financial stability were kept up. This was quite a different picture than I had painted for Rachel when I first started making big money. With all that I had acquired I didn’t have the sense to invest in assets that were income producing. I thought that my business would always provide the cash flow necessary to provide for our quality of life. I never considered the possibility that it would ever be any different despite being warned of that exact probability by my best friend and several others. 

I used to think at the beginning that the financial success and monetary blessings were God’s reward to me for having passed a test as if He was saying “good job”. I have since realized that wealth is not a reward for having passed a test. Being entrusted with wealth IS the test. That was a test that I was failing miserably and I was becoming more miserable each day. My illusion had drowned and I was left treading water alone, exhausted, and scared.

Bad To Worse

As a result of my emotional detachment many day to day issues went unaddressed. I became completely irresponsible when it came to the management of my business affairs. I essentially mismanaged my business. Bills went unpaid. Creditors went unanswered. I didn’t provide timely responses to critical correspondence. I simply did not have the mental or emotional bandwidth to deal responsibly with any of the demanding pressures that I had allowed to accumulate. It was truly more than I could manage. 

My “empire” was crumbling and I couldn’t bear the thought of having to admit it. How could I have squandered so much time and money? How irresponsible! How immature! How disrespectful of the ones to whom I am accountable! The weight of my guilt was unbearable and was only exacerbated by the consistent drinking. Panic attacks persisted in the mornings and dark thoughts flooded my mind at night. Every one of life’s challenges seemed insurmountable. I was fearful of the future nearly every waking moment. I became more and more irritable, impatient, and reactive toward virtually everything and everyone around me.

Meanwhile, I made the same excuses for myself when it came to my family and my household. I was physically present much of the time but rarely emotionally present. I did the bare minimum around the house. I let the burdens of the household, the kids, homeschooling, meals, chores, etc. all fall onto Rachel’s shoulders. I worked on many tasks and projects in order to maintain the appearance of being occupied, but I rarely actually accomplished anything significant or appreciable. I was busy but not productive. I was avoiding my actual responsibilities by engaging in comparatively menial tasks. I remember hearing my wife tell me that she didn’t care about all the stuff but just wanted me. I heard her, but I didn’t listen to her. I refused to listen to her. Listening would have warranted a response. I had no response. I couldn’t bear to tell her that the man she was claiming that she wanted had become very, very broken. I felt like an undeserving failure but couldn’t stand the thought of my wife agreeing with that assessment.

Rachel texted me on July 17th:

“I’d like to have coffee/touch base on the day in mornings if you can commit to that. This whole doing whatever you want without communication won’t work. And spending $$ without me having a clue the plan of action and budget etc…also not gonna work. So 6:30 let me know. Nite.”

That text went unanswered.

She then texted me the next day, July 18th:

“Well in my last brainspotting I pictured us holding hands and praying so I’d like to pray together and ask God for a miracle. Because what you just proposed isn’t sustainable. We haven’t functioned in a sustainable way for a while. So, think of our incredible kids and family. What should be our legacy together. Commit to prayer and ask God to change your heart and draw you to him. Which would lead us toward Him together as it should be. I’m sorry you’re so angry & hurting. I can’t accept abusive behavior. Try to walk and act peaceably. Seek help for the mental side of things. Like Shauna had said. It’s the foundation that needs help. Have a good day.”

Again, her text went unanswered.

Later on July 18th she texted again:

“I hope things improve between us, always my hope, but I pray your approach to life and your family shifts. I pray: Humility. Kindness. Gentleness. Leaning on Christ for your strength and direction. Integrity. Wisdom. JOY. Patient & Godly leadership for your home. To take my hand, first and foremost, to connect on all things, connect emotionally, connect over our home and children, and ultimately that leads to the connection you desire. Can’t do it backwards.”

To my regret and sorrow, this text also went unanswered.

Rachel shared with me her vision of us holding hands, praying, and getting on the same page together. She wanted to be a part of my life as a wife should be. She had been inviting me to get up early and have coffee together. She was asking for a miracle. I wept bitterly when I read those texts because I saw the same vision. My heart leapt at the chance to make that vision a reality but I just didn’t know how to get there from the place I was emotionally and spiritually. I knew that it would take a miracle. It would take a miraculous change in my heart and my wife knew it. She was crying out for some indication that I still wanted to be connected to her yet I did not respond to her bids for connection. I was too deep in my own dark seclusion. I had already hurt her too much. If she knew all that I had been keeping inside and keeping from her then she may not forgive me. I didn’t view Rachel as a safe place where I could expect to find comfort and understanding. I viewed her as a critic who had already been keeping a record of my failures. I feared being faulted, judged, and ultimately rejected. So, instead of responding to her invitations, I retreated. I kept myself, my heart, and the truth of our circumstances hidden. I allowed my fear of rejection rule my heart instead of trusting God and being completely honest with Rachel.

I didn’t realize that I was being crushed under the weight of my own pride and was acting out from a place of utter frustration and disgust with myself. In doing so, I caused immense damage to my wife’s heart. I only wish I had seen it more clearly then. I felt like I was in a cocoon, detached and disinterested in the very things that I had worked so hard to obtain. Even my wife’s desire to connect was viewed as an insurmountable challenge. I viewed her requests as yet another set of demands on me. I couldn’t withstand the additional stress, whether real or perceived. The only light that occasionally pierced through the dark clouds was the light that beamed from my five amazing children. I found hope in their joyful innocence and tried to convert that into some semblance of motivation. Again, these efforts were in my own strength while still maintaining my emotional seclusion. Any progress was minimal and short lived. Failure to emerge from my cocoon was deeply disappointing and just became yet another reason for despair and hopelessness. So, the downward spiral continued.   

Thrown Off the Ship

I was unwilling to admit all the ways I had lied to myself and others. I couldn’t bring myself to confess to Rachel that there were immense financial setbacks looming as a result of my irresponsibility and that I was directly culpable. I had relied on myself in the most prideful manner and I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing my failures negatively affect her and our children. They are completely undeserving of such a setback. I knew that I alone was responsible and was continually strategizing some way to avoid the impact of my reckless behavior. I thought to myself that since I had got myself into this mess, I could get myself out. The stress of having my financial fortress toppled was greatly compounded by the additional pressure of having to figure out some way to overcome the ramifications of my blatant irresponsibility.

Once again, I continued excluding Rachel in an effort to bear the burden myself. I didn’t realize the immense pain that my isolation was causing. So much of the stress, anxiety, and depression could have been avoided had I just included my wife in decisions from the beginning. Instead, I treated her unfairly. I was dismissive of her and her legitimate concerns and calloused to her emotions. More recently I had even become extremely rude and harsh toward her in my actions, speech, and text messages. I have said and done some of the most regrettable things to my wife and I would give anything to take them back. My drinking had become more frequent and more excessive. In a drunken state I had stumbled onto vile, filthy sites on my computer late at night. When confronted, I was indifferent and unrepentant of my actions and of my dire spiritual condition. My heart had become hardened to a point that left little to no hope for change. She didn’t deserve any of that. Unfortunately, I am realizing all of this after the fact, after the damage was done. There have been years of selfish pride, isolation, detachment, irresponsibility, depression, anxiety, volatility, and deception that cannot be undone. The only hope for change is in humble repentance and forgiveness.

Recent months have been particularly financially devastating and caused me to hit the deepest point of my depression and self loathing. It seems as though my enemies had surrounded me and were closing in at once. Debtors demanding payments, lawsuits resulting in astronomical default judgements, discovery of embezzlement of money and property. These are all dragons that I had ignored. While I retreated from my responsibilities, these dragons have grown and have now come out of their lair to breathe fire on me and, by proximity, my family. I had reached the pinnacle of my prideful existence and now could only plummet from the precipice of that wicked delusion. There was no way to continue this way and something had to break.  

The turmoil and stress that I had caused and allowed to exist in my home for years has finally come to a critical point. Rachel has had enough of my emotional abuse and the repercussions of my financial irresponsibility and has made it clear that she wants absolutely nothing to do with the man I had become. She has put herself in a position to protect herself and our children in a manner that she deems necessary. On July 30, 2024, less than two weeks after sending those heartfelt text messages to me, she filed a restraining order against me and filed for divorce soon after. Although I vehemently disagree with these actions, I am not blaming her since I am the one who has put her in such an impossible situation. I have hurt her and left her feeling unloved, unprotected, and disrespected. I have shattered her trust. She is afraid that there will not be consistent provision for our family and that I will continue to plummet deeper into my depression. Although God had been stirring my heart and showing me that there was a way out, I ignored her requests to connect and I offered her no signs of my willingness to change. A storm had come to our family and it was obvious that I was the one who had disobeyed the Lord. Like Jonah, I was, in fact, running in the opposite direction of His will for my life and now my rebellion is having catastrophic effects on my family. I was thrown off the ship, figuratively, and now find myself in the deepest part of the sea in the belly of a fish. It is dark, lonely, and it truly stinks. I can only beg God for the chance to repent in the truest sense and see His miraculous hand mend all that I have broken. I must also trust that Rachel will be willing to see God’s hand at work in our marriage and that she, too, will allow God to soften her heart toward me. I hope and pray that she will be willing to forgive me when she sees the fruit of true repentance and the evidence of her husband’s heart being restored.

A Future and a Hope: Repentance, Reconciliation, Restoration,Redemption

They say that it takes years to get to the point when a spouse would actually consider divorce. In the case of my alienation and mistreatment of my wife, it has been years. My calloused, prideful heart simply left no room for the love, affection, consideration, and sacrificial nurturing that a marriage requires to survive. The Enemy is seeking to bind me in desperation and hopelessness by reminding me of all my faults and failures. I have become well acquainted with that voice throughout the years. 

The pain I have caused my family is real. The pain I am now experiencing is real. In my state of brokenness, I begged God to show me why I felt like my very heart was ripped out. Why so much pain? Being separated from Rachel and our kids feels like having my very heart ripped from my chest. He answered my prayer and showed me quite profoundly that my heart was so entangled in pride and the depression that my choices had brought upon me that I was in a critical condition and needed a heart transplant. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest because it was. I am now on the spiritual operating table under the care of our great physician. His name is Jehovah Rapha which means “I am the Lord who heals you”. He is giving me a new heart and has given me His Holy Spirit. He has also shown me that family is not allowed in the operating room until the patient is strong enough to receive them. While being separated from my family has been the most difficult season of my entire life, I know that it is ultimately for the purpose of having the time and attention to focus on the work that He wants to accomplish in my life. This work in me is to mold me into a man who walks uprightly before God who in turn is a blessing to my family and those around me.

I see now that God has allowed all of the circumstances of my life to bring me to the point of utter brokenness and desperation. He has allowed much of my apparent success to be stripped away and has shown me the futility of my vain pursuits. He has gripped my heart in a way that only He could by taking away the most valuable treasure that I have in this life, my family. He is showing me that of all the roles I have tried to assume in my prideful desire to be esteemed and respected that no identity is more important than my identity as His child. I have been His from an early age and though I have squandered so much time, He is a God who forgives and restores. Praise God! I am repentant of the sins that I’ve allowed to control my life. I am so regretful and sorry for the hurt I’ve caused my wife and family and the time I’ve wasted. In my brokenness, God is showing me the ways that He can and will heal me and my family through the replacement of my heart and the transformation of my mind. I am allowing God to remove a heart that had been consumed and overrun by the pervasive sins of pride and selfishness and replace it with one that is soft and yielding to His authority. I’m asking Him to fill my heart with a desire to serve Him and my family. I am asking Him to renew a right Spirit within me. I am dependent on His Holy Spirit to guide me through each day and I am seeing more clearly than I have in years. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since being thrown out of the house, nor have I even craved it. My desire now is to be filled with His Holy Spirit as I read God’s Word and spend time with Him throughout each day. While the things that He is revealing to me are very painful, I know that His purpose is to create in me a clean heart through true repentance and purging of the things that have separated me from Him and kept me from His will for so long. I have made a choice to stand and fight for my family by making every concerted effort to walk out this true repentance. This is an opportunity to exemplify to Rachel and our kids what a truly broken and contrite heart looks like. What better example could they have than to watch the very man they have known and loved through this entire journey undergo this radical of a transformation?  

God is showing me the things that I must do that are in fact restorative. He is calling me to walk in the spiritual disciplines that I have lacked for so much of my life. Getting up early to be in His Word and spend time in prayer, physical exercise and taking care of His temple, and stewarding my time and His gifts for His glory – these are all areas that I have neglected for too long. Living out these disciplines has been life changing. I deeply regret not recognizing my desperate need for His guidance in all these facets of life sooner. It brings me great sorrow to know that my failure to do so has caused so much pain and suffering.      

There is so much that I want to do now to fix all the issues and remedy the effects of my prideful ignorance but I realize that nothing can be fixed until I recognize the depth of the pain I’ve caused. I must be willing to allow Rachel the time and space to process what she feels toward me and pray that she will listen to God’s voice and that He will cause her to see a future that includes a whole, healthy, Godly family.

God hates divorce. In our case particularly, I believe the enemy wants to see our family completely destroyed by his lies and divisive tactics. I believe the California court system generally and divorce attorneys particularly are under the control of the enemy and are used as pawns in his vicious effort to destroy families. I want to snatch victory from the jaws of the Enemy and see our marriage and family restored. I believe the enemy is hell bent on the destruction of our marriage and ultimately our family and that he is putting forth tremendous effort to that end. He is, in fact, seeking to steal, kill, and destroy as he has been striving to do from the beginning. He wants to steal the the Promise of God’s Word from our hearts. He seeks to kill the union that we have as husband and wife and kill any hope of change and growth together by blinding us to the forgiveness and grace that God wants for us. Ultimately, his goal is to destroy our family and our lineage. He wants to destroy us, our children, and our grandchildren. The enemy is terrified at the thought of what our family can and will accomplish for God’s kingdom once healing and restoration occurs and as I become empowered by the Holy Spirit as a Godly husband to Rachel and Godly father to our children.

The enemy of our souls would have Rachel see me as her enemy and is surrounding her with voices that would perpetuate that false assumption. He also wants me to view my wife as my enemy as we are forced to enter into court proceedings and allowed to communicate only through a divorce attorney. However, I refuse to see Rachel as my enemy. I will not fight against her, but I will fight for her and our marriage. She is my wife and the mother of our five amazing children. She is the help mate and partner that God intends to be my greatest ally for the rest of our lives. She has made decisions and taken action in ways that have been very hurtful to me but I know that it is all coming from a place of fear and pain that I myself have caused. I do not fault her. I do not blame her. I love her. I believe in the character and moral virtue of my wife. She is a Godly, loving, and forgiving person to her core. I have caused her to doubt that about herself because of all the ways I’ve mistreated her and left her feeling neglected. I have demanded respect from her when I hadn’t earned it. I have forced her to become strong because of my lack of strength. I left her feeling vulnerable and afraid because of my failure to protect her. But I pray that when given enough time for the pain to subside that she will see the changes evident in me and allow God to soften her heart towards me for the sake of our marriage and our precious family. 

I pray for God to reveal to Rachel a vision of our Promised Land as He has shown me. I pray that God would protect her heart and mind from the fiery arrows that the enemy is using to keep her in a place of emotional pain and broken heartedness. Mere words cannot describe the promise that awaits us. Just as mere words cannot undo the long season of my selfishness that my family has endured. My hope is real because God’s Word is true. The covenant of marriage is the strongest bond on Earth. I believe in the promise we made when we exchanged marriage vows and I believe in a Godly vision for our family. I know that God sees my heart and that this change is real. I pray that it will become evident to Rachel in time. Meanwhile, I am committed to her and will continue to pray for her and our children. I will stand for our marriage covenant.         

Rachel is a gift to me from the hand God that I failed to value. She was brought to me by God to be a friend, companion, helper, and partner. I am so sorry that I failed to recognize her as any of those things for so long. I was in fact broken and bound in my sin but would never admit my immense need to BE broken by God. I’m admitting now that I did in fact need to be broken. I now see and admit that I need to be continually broken. I am in desperate need of my Savior. I am begging God to continually mold me and renew my life. I am asking Him for the opportunity to serve my wife, protect her, and lead her as I learn how to yield to His direction and be continually transformed into a man after His heart. I need His strength to walk in a manner worthy of this high calling. I would give absolutely ANYTHING to simply meet with my wife for coffee early in the mornings as we humbly share in God’s blessings, walk hand in hand, and dream about our family’s future together in unity.

My Prayer

Dear Jesus, please God, please forgive me for hardening my heart for so long. I have lived apart from You as I strived to build my own kingdom.  I see Your provident hand stripping me of things that do not bear fruit and I am comforted by knowing that You still care for my life in this way. I desire more than any amount of wealth that my marriage be restored. Please forgive my pride, my selfishness, my arrogance, and my pursuit of a life of pleasure rather than sacrificial service to You, my family, and others. I need your Holy Spirit for strength and guidance. I trust in You to provide for every need. I trust in You for healing and restoration. Create in me a clean heart. Restore the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me. When I am hurt and disappointed, help me choose forgiveness. When I am proud and selfish, help me walk in humility. When I am uncertain and afraid, give me the gift of faith. When I doubt and question, renew my hopeful vision.

Please speak to Rachel’s heart and heal her of the pain that I’ve caused. Please allow this separation to bring a calmness and clarity that results in understanding and empathy for both of us. I have loved her very imperfectly. I ask You to love her perfectly as only You can. Turn her mind and emotions toward forgiveness and reconciliation. I recognize that my wife and our children are the greatest gifts I could ever hope to receive in this life. I don’t know how to show her how sorry I am for failing her and causing her such pain. I can only hope for the chance to serve her more diligently and love her more deeply than I ever have before. Continue to mold me into a man worthy of the calling to lead my family and steward all the blessings in our lives. Help rebuild the trust in our marriage that has been broken. Our enemy continually attempts to destroy me, Rachel, our marriage, and our family through his perpetual lies and deceit. We need the light of Your truth to shine in our marriage. We need You to be at the center of our hearts and the center of our union. I am returning from the dark place to which I retreated. I am returning to the Light. I am returning to You, my Father. I receive Your love and forgiveness. I echo the prayer of my wife, Rachel, that You would grant me Humility, Kindness, Gentleness, Integrity, Wisdom, and JOY. Help me lean on Christ for my strength and direction as I desire to become a more patient & Godly leader for my home. 

Amen.